I Am Mad

2007-04-22T10:27:00.000+08:00

Well it's been a tiring week. Classes starting at 8 am on almost all days except Friday, which startsat 9am. Rugby training which promises to be tougher than usual with a new coach around. It's been a while since I got tired from a SP rugby training session. Next week, I'll be adding my Chinese Language Course into the mix and that means I'll be going home at 7.30 pm on Tuesdays. No wonder I slept at 6pm on Friday and only woke up yesterday at 5am. The worst part is this will continue throughout this semester and will be more intense as tests and projects will be added later in the semester. Just bring it lah...

Lazing In Starbucks ( That's what I call the cafe at school)

Yesterday was spent celebrating Ezdi's birthday. Started off at Ramen Ten where I didn't like what I ordered so I started looking at the other customers' orders and see what they order so that I could order that next time. I would also ignore the "Must Try" label that they put at certain dishes cause the one I ordered had such a label and it's a dish I think you shouldn't try. In fact, Pul was the one who finished it. We ended the night at TCC where we had crappy conversations and listened to Pul's weird fantasies. It's been a while since I laughed like that. In fact we are very happy people yesterday. Happy people happy people happy people happy people...

Happy People

what goes around comes back around

2007-04-13T14:31:00.000+08:00

But ask yourself this: Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.
What if you got it back?
-for one more day by mitch albom-

I've been reading "For one more day" by Mitch Albom and basically the book's about this person called Charley Benetto who decided to kill himself and went back to his old house and met his mother, who died eight years earlier, who welcomes Charley home and what follows is a day which many of us yearns for, a chance to make good with someone we lost, explain our behavior and to seek forgiveness. A good book borrowed from my school library. I had to wait for two months before finally receiving an email that states the book is available for me to borrow. It's worth the wait and I'm trying to find time finish the book despite the pile of borrowed DVDs and books that still waiting to be watched and read.

I also borrowed "Gubra", a movie by Yasmin Ahmad. I think it's the seventh time I've seen this movie and I will never get tired of it. It's hard to say what's good about the movie. Basically for me, it's beyond words. There are so many messages and you will find that every person who watch this movie has their own opinion what the movie is about. I can't wait for "Mukhsin", the latest movie by Yasmin Ahmad, to be screened in Singapore.

I've been saving up to buy this pair of boots. The new Adidas Flanker III. I'm hoping to buy the silver pair though the black pair looks just as good. However it'll have to wait till next month because of someone's birthday this month.

Well it's been a week filled with novels like "The Lost Army Of Cambyses" and "The Altman Code" and DVDs like "Cinta" and "Gridiron Gang". Not forgetting the lepak sessions at Wheelock's Starbucks and Lido's McCafe. School's starting next week and the beginning of a new school year. 2007 is our year guys. Don't forget about it.

2007-04-01T02:21:00.000+08:00

Every death in this world is a reminder of how fragile life is. No one has ever escaped death and the worst part is we do not know what happens after death other than what our religion tells us. We do not know when it'll happen so we rarely manage to say our last words to those who left us and to those who we leave behind. Death is scary to those who are not prepared for it.

I'm easily affected by news of deaths around me. Anytime it'll be my turn and I wonder if I'm prepared for it. Seriously, I hope my parents died before it's my turn. I don't want to die with the knowledge that I didn't take care of them till death do us part.

i wonder if i'm the one for you...

2007-03-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

If you still haven't watch 300, I recommend that unless your age is below 18 , you watch it as soon as possible. The movie has everything for everyone, great fighting scenes and some nude scenes for guys and good looking men with hot bodies for the girls. I didn't regret watching it for the second time in the week. The first time with the rugby guys on Wednesday and the second time with Isk on Sunday. Sacrificing oneself for the greater good. Believing in others in order to achieve victory and that money and power will never cause an upright person to abandon his morals. These are just some themes that I think the movie is about. Truly one of my favourite movies for this year.

Do you believe in destiny? Everything that happened was for a reason and was predestined. I thought that maybe I've been looking at the wrong places but I think if fate decides when you'll meet that someone, you could meet her anywhere and at any time. So far, I've been meeting people who I thought I'll never meet in MRTs so maybe I'll meet her on a MRT.

I'll be quiting my job this week, leaving me time and energy to meet up with people I care about. Class chalet next week and I seriously don't know what can a bunch of guys do in 3 days and 2 nights. Well I shall find out and hopefully this week will be a good one for you all. Oh and why can't witches fly in prehistoric times? The answer will be given in the next post.

I'll be waiting at the wrong places

2007-03-11T18:47:00.000+08:00

Last Friday was spent driving up Jurong Hill with Pul. As we drove up, I was thinking that it's really tempting to try out drifting down this hill as the road reminded me of the movie Initial D. Maybe next time when I'm driving my dream car which is a Subaru WRX Impreza or maybe an AE-86 and that's only because that's the car the hero used in the movie.

The night was spent chatting while listening to music from my handphone and looking at the lights from the refineries on Jurong Island and ended with a late night supper at Boon Lay nasi lemak. It sounded kind of boring and that again I'm with a guy at a romantic place, by the way I'm not a gay, but it's been a while since I had a good talk with Pul.

I think it's common that sometimes among friends, you tend to have a fixed opinion on your friend's character."He's the joker."."He's the one who always come out with the unexpected lines". So when your friend acted differently from what you think is his character, you are surprised. Not knowing that maybe that could be a glimpse of his true character. That all the while, the friend that you knew a few years back has actually changed but he is just acting out his perceived role in the group as the joker or the unpredictable person, just so that he could maintain your opinion of his character.

So what is your true self? It's not easy to break out from the assigned role given and start showing your true self at least without disrupting the group's dynamics. Maybe that's why being the lazy persons we are, we just continue our charade. Till when? Only you would know.

i shall never forget the happiness on this undeveloped photograph.

2007-03-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

Suddenly I feel the need to buy a Manchester United jersey after seeing them unconvincingly beat Liverpool 1-0. But what a win for Manchester United. 1 man down with Scholes sent off for what seemed to be a punch at Xabi Alonso, Manchester managed to conjure up a win with a close range strike by O Shea. Temporarily 12 points ahead of Chelsea in the league, at least until Chelsea's match against Portsmouth, Manchester United have a good chance of lifting the Premiership Trophy for the 16th time. I think I'll get the jersey after getting my pay next month.

Pay? Ahmad has been working? Yes, my avid readers. I'm working at Solectron International at No.3 Joo Koon Circle. It's been an interesting experience as I got to meet some weird people. One example is this Malay uncle who have a tendency to go "That's the way...Aha aha." and with a population of mainly Chinese and Indians, the last thing you expect is Malay being used as a form of communications. The only thing that I could not stand is that this job requires me to stand most of the time and the feet have been complaining about it. I just realized I need to memorize more song lyrics as I'm running out of songs to sing while working. Well at least this gives me a reason to come out with some of my own versions of popular songs.

I've been told that I'm not a typical Malay guy as I cannot play soccer well, cannot play the guitar and get lost easily (somehow people think Malay guys don't get lost as they go everywhere on their bikes) . I also like to read and I play DOTA which is a game mainly played by the Chinese. Well, I guess you can't expect everyone of the same race to be similar. If every Malay girl was similar in Singapore, I think I shall leave the country.

Pul and me almost couldn't get a taxi last night. I think taxis are scared to pick up 2 Malay guys in the middle of the night at a lonely street. The funny part is I was just joking to Pul that taxis may not want to pick us up as they may think we will rob them . I didn't expect it to really happen. Oh well, the important thing is that we managed to wave one down and go home. Hopefully, next week will be as interesting as this.

well at least i know you know my name...

2007-02-15T12:37:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the late update. It's been a busy month with exams and a rugby competition. There's so much to be released from this mind but when you try to put it down to words, they never come out right.

Well I've been busy going gym with Zynule in an attempt to be fit for my IPPT ( Individual Physical Proficiency Test) which is to be taken by this April and for the recent Navy 10s. The body's been aching but at least I would not be looking flabby in the future unlike certain people (you know who you are. cubit babat baru tau). I wonder when would I reach my aim of bench pressing 100kg?

After our shower after gym ( I think the Ghetto guys know which toilet is this)

I certainly had fun at the Navy 10s. SP sent 2 teams and both teams top the table though SP 'A' team seems to have an easier group. By the way I was in the 'B' team or better known as the sochoax team and though our players were considered the second stringers we certainly showed that we were as good by topping the group.

But the most fun part was playing each other. We both lost our matches to SAJC and ACJC so we had to play each other for 3rd/4th placing. Imagine me scoring a try with 2 of the opposing SP team, Fahmy and Pisang, holding on to my waist from the center of the field. From the outside it would seemed sochoax except for the fact we planned to do it so that the match would end in a draw. I think the referee was tired of our antics and ended the match even though it was a draw as both sides scored once. Eventually the result was SP team 'A' won with the score 5-4. Who ever heard of a try which is worth 4 points? I think the officials just didn't want us to continue the match.

The only setback was the transportation problem that day. We had to take cabs to the venue and we hitch a ride on a lorry to Expo MRT station because the buses that the school hired didn't came to pick us. But it was fun sitting at the back of the lorry singing Dashboard Confessional songs and army songs with Rain.

It wasn't easy passing this ball around

Valentines' day was spent at Forum's Coffee Bean with Sharul, Amir, Osman and Zynule. 5 guys singing boy band songs while smoking and telling stories of love lost and found over coffee. Damn, we need to find girls for ourselves so we don't do this again next year though I have to admit it was fun.

Forum's the new place to be seen

Now I'm having my holidays till mid April. I've been looking for jobs but it seemed that only after the upcoming Chinese New Year holidays would the job offers be coming in. Well next Saturday, we would be having a match against Millenia Institute in the afternoon so those who have nothing do, you can come down and see us play.

For some people, it takes just one meeting to like someone. For others, it takes more than one meeting to like someone. It's just about giving someone a chance to express themselves and bringing the person's true self out. Lessons learned in the past month.

and you said he's just a friend

2007-01-11T11:21:00.000+08:00

Somehow, just sitting around smoking and having sing a longs to songs that we all knew reminded me of the fun we used to have. If we really had chemistry, then no matter how far we far or how long since we have met, we would be able to connect once we meet. It maybe too soon to say this but I hope this realtionship will last even though it will eventually lead to friendship. I really miss talking to you. You inspire me to become a better person. I really miss talking to you. You reminded me that beauty is not everything.

Random thoughts infecting the twisted mind. In this room of darkness, a spot of sunlight has appeared giving hope and warming the heart.

2007-01-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's hard to be who we really want to be. Our friends, family and life experiences being one for the few reasons.

Sometimes it's hard to love who we really want to love. Our friends, family and life experiences being one for the few reasons.

In the end what have we become? In the realization that what we are looking for is right in front of us only that we chose to ignore it.

2006-12-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

It has been a week of soul searching and trying to find the courage to tell the truth eventually. I have done a few things in my life that I am not proud of. I admit I do not think before I act then and this has lead to battles with my conscience now.

Living a life of double standards and kept feelings. It has certainly been eating me from the inside. Love and friendship are the only things that making me move forward. But alas, with every step forward I seem to be taking two steps back.

To tell the truth eventually. It has shackle me from finding the one thing that I have yearn for so long. A matter of time only it depends on whether it will be too late or too soon. The only comfort is telling the truth is the right thing to do, just that I can't promise there will be no disappointments in the end.

an act of laughter and happiness to hide the sadness in my eyes...

2006-12-13T17:16:00.000+08:00

Finally I can relax. After a week and a half of tests and projects, it finally ended with today's GEMS test. Next week, my 3 week term break will be starting and finally I will have some time to conduct some personal training of my own. Anyone up for a trip to the gym?

I think sometimes when you are chasing love, you will meet some obstacles along the way. I just hope that you will be able to overcome this setback and just carry on. If she was meant to be yours, she will come back to you. Of course you can ignore this advice since I've no experience in love myself. Hahaha.

Anyway, today ended in a good way. I finally met her in real life though I'm not sure it was her as the only time I see her is through her photos. She looks better in real life though I can't help thinking that it is waste that she has a boyfriend. Hahaha. I think I need to start making more girl friends other than Edna and Ezdi. Maybe some girl whose name that doesn't start with E. Maybe A or what.

2006-12-02T19:30:00.000+08:00

Finally we got our medals. At first we were forced to watch the re-match between TP and Combined ITE. ITE gave a good fight despite having a lack of reserves but they still lost. Every time the TP's supporters cheered for TP when they scored a try, we would shout back "Aiyah, win also only get second what.". It felt extremely satisfying being the champions. I think we have a good chance of becoming SP's team of the year .

SROD

SROD & FOD

Champions Of The World

Last Wednesday, we had friendlies against Greenridge Secondary School and Pioneer Junior College. We won and didn't concede any try and this is becoming our team's habit. We had fun fooling around on the field, laughing and joking. However, I was happy that after a long hiatus, SROD(second rows of destruction) finally got to play again. It was fun playing with Pool again and we created some good plays. Our ex-captain, Kelvin also came down and seeing him play makes me want to improve myself. He is really talented and it's sad that he's not playing for SP anymore due to personal problems.

Yesterday, I went with some of the rugby team to see Fahmy compete for Mr SP. It was held at the convention centre and all the audience got a free Hugo goodies bag which contained a sample Hugo perfume and the programme. Of course, the rugby team made a lot of noise for Fahmy though Fahmy only got fourth. Even though I think he did quite well in all the segments, I think his height of 1.69m gave him a disadvantage. Hard luck dude, though you did win an award for getting the most audience votes.

The Goodies Bag

Well, training is starting again next week and there are a couple of tests coming up. I will also be helping out in a children's camp for community work next week so it'll be another busy week. Holidays coming up in two weeks time and I welcome the 3 week break as it's been a long time since I had one. Have a good weekend people.

the innocence of love contaminated by the horrors of friendship

2006-11-29T00:18:00.000+08:00

Finally got the SP raya photos from Zainol aka Sek Manek. Betul nyer janji melayu ah. He promised to send by last week but only today, he sent it one photo at a time. He don't know how to use those programmes that zip up files. Hehe. Well, I'm still waiting for the rugby POLITE games photos. I will upload them to my Multiply site when I get them.

Only through Death you will learn how to live

2006-11-23T13:22:00.000+08:00

We ended the celebrations with anger.

We are the champions again my friends. It's been a good year for Singapore Polytechinic rugby. We won the Under-20 and POLITE competitions as champions and the NTU 7s and the M1 10s as plate champions.Even though I only played in the POLITE and was assistant manager (Carlos Cairoz) for the under-20s and didn't get to play for the other competition due to me being too young,it was okay. I was proud to be selected to start the final match against TP even though I only managed to play for 30 min as the coach has a tendency to substitute players before half time. I think he feels if he didn't, people would not realise he is the coach. I was surprised to see Isk at the match. Thanks for coming down bro.

Yesterday,I also found out I was selected for the SP rugby committee as an Assistance Quarter Master( this was written in the letter they gave us.). The thing is if I am supposed to be an assistant, who is the quartermaster? None of the committee seems to know and the only explanation I could come up with is that coach was the one who wrote the letter. This isn't surprising as he's the one who thought my name was Hicai.

So far all seems to be going well yesterday for me. I met Rashid at Bukit Timah when I was there having dinner at Al-Ameen. It was good to see him and seems to have not change much.Ezdi was also there with Aini, Aisha, Mariana.However someone just got to spoil the celebratory mood. I've been patient with your behavior but if you act like that again in front of me, don't say I didn't warn you. You seem to not understand the word 'No'. The best thing that could happen right now is that you don't hang out with the Ghetto Boys anymore.

Have you read Marah's description for himself for Mr SP? Tak leh angkat ah. Klakar seram seh. I could not wait for the photos of us while in the POLITE tournament. Don't worry. I will post them when I ge them.

We are champions not because we are skilled or fit but cause we played for each other.

2006-11-19T17:37:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Kuala Lumpur. My uncle is going haji so there's a kenduri held at his house. There were my cousins and their children and they were wondering when it will be my turn. My auntie even want to hook me up with a Malaysian girl. The scary part is this seem natural to them. I'm only 21 and still schooling seh. Do you know that Malaysia is still celebrating Hari Raya? There were all these open houses and they were still showing those Malay telemovies with Hari Raya themes.

I also got the new MCR CD for the amazing price of RM35.90. So if the internet authorities are reading this, you'll know that I don't support piracy. The CD sounds great and MCR seems to be heading to a new music direction.

Can you fall in love with a stranger? Cause I just did.

2006-11-07T01:02:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday was spent Hari Rayaing with my secondary school friends. I think there were around 23 people and we went to about 13 houses. I do not know how we managed it if we didn't hire a bus. It was fun but tiring. It was as though I was the one who was driving the bus. I got a stomachache from all the food, fizzy drinks and cigarettes that day and also from laughing at the antics of Naz and Din. I salute you both ah. I would like to thank Aisha's mum for the duit raya. We would not be taking a comfortable cab ride home if not for the 4 dollars she gave us.

This Friday, I may be going out with the SP rugby guys for jalan raya. The bad thing is I may be driving a manual transmission van and it's been a long time since I driven a manual transmission vehicle. The reason is the other 2 drivers in the group is bringing their own vehicles so I was chosen to drive the van which we are probably renting. The good thing is we are going to make the van into a smoke machine. You know the kind when you open the door and smoke come out due to the cigarretes we are smoking. Hopefully there would not be an accident due to this.

See you at Mount Akina, Jid and Zam.

what happens when you mistake love for friendship?

2006-10-23T08:05:00.000+08:00

It's been an extremely busy weekend at home. The days were spent painting my room, changing my curtains, cleaning the flat's fans and a bit of cooking. Yes, if I can cook, so can you. Actually I know how to make Shepherd's pie only but it tastes so good at least to my family. Maybe one day I will bake one for you people but only if you have been nice to me. Hehe. ( I just realized that I like to add "Hehe" after a joke. Is it that I'm scared that you all don't know which is the funny parts or that I have a bad sense of humour? Hmmm...). My Hari Raya shopping is finally completed. I bought my pair of capal yesterday at Geylang. It's been a while since I last saw so many Malays. Luckily I broke fast already, there were so many good-looking Malay girls with their moms. It reminded of a dream I had where I have four good looking women as my wives. Maybe it is true that bad looking guys usually marry good looking gals. Heh.( Okay people, you are suppose to laugh at that.).

It's true what you said. We have become acquaintances. Will it be better this way? I don't know. But we didn't wake up one morning and find out that we are no longer friends.

one day I'll find your hidden face, my lover

2006-10-15T14:40:00.000+08:00

There's something seriously wrong with shopping centers. There are not enough seats for us ("us" refers to the husbands,fathers,brothers,boyfriends,etc) to sit while waiting for the women to finish their shopping. Logically, they should provide seats for us cause if we get tired,we'll tend to want to leave the place to find a place to rest. What this means for the women,unless they have their own source of income, is that the shopping will stop till we are sufficiently energize to continue as the money for shopping usually come from us.

However some of us will give their credit cards to their women, so as to allow their women to continue shopping, while we rest. That is a wrong move, my friend. I have learnt from my father's experience to never give credit cards to our women when they have shopping bloodlust( if there's such a thing) in their eyes unless you want to be shocked at how much a woman can shop in half an hour( the period while we were resting). But the thing is we men tend to have short term memory on these incidents and we will give our credit cards again to our women especially when she does the pity look or the "No sex tonight" look. Hopefully I'll have the strength and courage to say no when the time comes.

Yesterday, I was thinking of Kenny Roger's macaroni and cheese that I had in Johore and decided to make my own macaroni and cheese. It was a good learning experience. Basically, it means that it tasted funny and no one wanted to eat and I had to make it into fried macaroni instead. I was sad at my failed attempt cause I rarely failed when I cook new recipes. But the good thing is I know what went wrong so my next attempt will be better. This weekend, I'll be busy looking for the crackers that my mother had hidden from me and eating the cookies my sisters have been baking. Hari Raya is near and I'm left with only buying a pair of capal at Geylang.

Trips to Geylang has been good this year. So much food to eat, Ramly burger, Deng Deng, ayam percik, cheese hotdogs and so on. I notice a pattern in mats this year, they must have pierced ears, wear a cap and a gold necklace. And someone must tell the minahs that they look weird in blonde hair and it doesn't mean that you look sexy wearing mini skirts and tight tops. It certainly turns me off sometimes. Have a good week ahead people.

she's a shooting star, will she grant your wish tonight before she fades away again?

2006-10-06T17:19:00.000+08:00

We were playing rugby. I was in the starting lineup and it was the first match of the season. We were against a team consisting of all my rivals for my starting position. During the match, I could not tackle them and they just kept scoring tries from my mistakes. The coach finally put me in the reserves and put my rival in my position instead. Then I woke up.

Sometimes it seems like a natural defense system. To hurt people I care about or love. There were so many unforced errors on my part. I want to experience it but I don't want the hurt that goes along with it. In a way, that's why everytime when I finally met someone I like, I will then ignore her or do something to hurt her. Even though I know that it's hard for me to meet people I'm physically attracted to. That it's harder for me to like someone's character. The guilt is always there. I'm not a perfect person so why do I expect everyone to be?

It's always been in my mind but I always chose to ignore it. I need someone to bare my heart to. The weight of these thoughts are slowing me down. Will you be the one to help me in this journey?

You said everything will be alright, but you were wrong. So wrong...

2006-10-04T08:58:00.000+08:00

A good looking person would usually have a good looking brother. That's a photo of my 8 year old brother, Ahmad Hanis. Hopefully he will grow up to be a better person than me. He's one of the people who I will watch my behavior when I'm around them. This is as he likes to follow what I do. Recently he didn't want to cut his hair as he wants his hair to be as long as mine and that got me a lecture from Dad who said that I should set a good example for him. Nowadays, he's the person I'll send to do things such as fetching my handphone in the room and if I'm really lazy, to fetch the remote control which was just a metre away. The privileges of being the eldest sibling.

I'm actually suppose to be in school now but this morning I was late as I forgot to bring my wallet. I've discovered it after I board the bus to Boon Lay so I decided to go back home and go for the afternoon classes instead. Tonight, I'll be breaking fast with the rugby guys at Geylang. Not at the lorongs but at the bazaar eh. It'll be nice to see what the mats and minahs are up to nowadays.

even in the face of defeat, we'll carry on

2006-10-01T16:50:00.000+08:00

Thanks to all those who gave birthday wishes. Congratulations to Sd for being the first one to wish me and I hope you enjoyed your gift. The guys actually wanted to celebrate it at midnight but due to me sleeping early, we celebrated it late last night. The good thing is that everyone was there, all 7 of us. The cake was nice, lots of mangoes and there was even a layer between the cake which has mangoes. They gave me a nice Canterbury T-shirt and an Adidas boot bag. The boot bag was something I needed as mine was torn up. One of the guys must have read my mind that I need one. I especially like the title on the shirt. "Rugby Stud". The right phrase to describe me.

We ended the night with bowling at Marina South. Naz brought Blondie and Mat Pink. Those two are the funniest people that I have known. I think everyone had a good bowling night though we were rusty cause it's been a long time since we played. Of course, before going home, we had to challenge each other to a game of Daytona. And I lost cause the rest were cheating. Heh.

In the end, being 21 just means more responsibilities and being able to watch R21 movies. I'm just glad that the past year, I've made more friends, in NS and Singapore Polytechnic. They show me more aspects to myself and that's the importance of having people you care about. You want to improve and do your best in order not to let them down. I just wish I did not have to let you down too.

We are so close in spirit and so far in body.

Have You Come To Offer Me Hope And Happiness Even Though Others Had Failed?

2006-09-26T18:11:00.000+08:00

There was no excuse for my actions. I thought only girls usually do this. Instead, while waiting for the class to arrive, my friend, Asyraf and I engage in a camwhoring session. The lab technician gave us weird stares as we pose and laugh at our photos. Of course, it took a long time to take the photographs as Asyraf had to make sure his hair looks nice. By the way, Mr Asyraf is single so any girls who is interested in him can contact me and I will pass your message along. By the way, it was Asyraf's idea and I was an innocent victim. To put it simply, I was used.

Yesterday, we had a training game to prepare for this Thurday's game against United World College. It was the Possibles versus the Probables. The game showed the depth in quality we had especially in the forwards. Every single forward for both teams are experienced players and are talented. It showed when most of the tries were scored by us. I even managed to score one myself. It'll be a taxing week as we are having two games, on Thursday and Saturday against the Northern Knights. It will not be easy due to the fasting period. I guess we just had to endured on and not be weak minded as this is just a test of our strength.

You can be sure that in everything you do, I'll be at the side supporting you.

To Kill A Monkey, You Need To Use A Nuclear Bomb

2006-09-23T02:36:00.000+08:00

The time is 3 a.m. I can't sleep as my bottom left gums hurt so much. Panadol didn't work. Butter didn't work. My mom said it's an ulcer and she said I got it as I didn't drink enough water. One of my sisters said to put ice on it to reduce the ulcer while the other said to drink hot soup so that the ulcer will burst so that it'll heal faster. I took a look in the mirror and I can't spot any ulcer. In fact, I don't know how an ulcer looks like. I just check the Wikipedia and ulcers are a serious problem. I didn't like the part where it said lengthy healing time. The thing about me is I don't like unnecessary pain. That's why I don't like to exercise or tattoo or do body piercing. In fact, I don't donate blood because of the pain involving needles. Therefore, if this so-called ulcer takes a long time to heal, I'm in deep trouble. I promise myself that the person who can solve my current predicament, if it's a girl, I'll marry her as currently that's my number 1 trait that my dream wife must have. She must be able to cure ulcers quickly. Of course, this may change when my ulcer is gone. If the person is a guy, we'll be friends for life. You never know when an ulcer will occur and you need him to help you again.

Today was spent shopping at the Quicksilver shop at Pacific Plaza which is currently having a 50% clearing out sale. I got myself a long sleeve shirt and a pullover. I also bought a new pair of Nike shoes. The cool thing is it comes with 2 extra pairs of insoles and the insoles have designs on it. My gums really hurt ah. Therefore, my shopping for Hari Raya is done. Anyway, forgive me as I've been cursing at you people who don't update blogs. This is as I'm having my holidays and when it's not spent on rugby and going out, I usually will go online and look at blogs. That's why you'll notice I've been updating quite regularly and been commenting on your posts.I feel like cutting off my gums. Lucky for me, school's starting next Monday.

Fasting month is starting this Sunday so I'll be trying my best to be good on this month. One interesting fact is there's no one to chat on MSN at this hour. So while you people are sleeping soundly, I'll be suffering in pain and watching High School Musical. Only Vanessa Anne Hudgens can reduce this pain now.

UPDATE:

I visited the dentist and it's actually my wisdom tooth erupting. I read up on this topic and it's actually advisable to remove your wisdom teeth erupt partially through the gum now before it'll cause trouble when you are older and will be harder to remove. The dentist also said I got good teeth but bad gums. Therefore I'll be going back to the dentist soon to do some clean up work on my gums. She also gave me some medicine to reduce the pain and swelling but the side effect is it's causing me to shit more. The worse part is I can't close my mouth completely due to the swelling and can't chew properly. Therefore I'm on a liquid diet now.

The shoes that I bought and it's 2 extra insoles. It was on sale at Pacific Plaza. Luckily, Dad was in a good mood and was willing to buy it despite it's slightly high price. My mom said it's cause I've done well for my semester and cause it's my birthday soon.

Talking about birthdays, there's nothing that I want or need you people to buy or do. In fact, I will be playing a rugby match against Northern Knights this Saturday with the SP rugby team. The truth is I just want to enjoy the day and want you people to enjoy it with me. No expectations on what the present will be or what will be done on the day. Just a day where I'll be one year older and where everyone have fun.

When we are together, it seems that no one can stop us from doing the things we like to do in our own way.

Today Was The Day You Thought That I Was Only Joking When I Was Actually Serious

2006-09-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow afternoon I'll be participating in a rugby game against Greenridge Secondary School with the SP Development Squad. Basically this squad consists of mainly 1st year students who do not know how to play rugby and some of them may be selected for the IVP squad, which is the main squad consisting of the first 30 players. So this game is important for them as it'll showcase their skills and whether they are good enough to make the IVP squad. Of course, they'll be against a squad consisting of players between 13-15 years old but if they can't beat Greenridge, then it'll be harder to get into the IVP squad.

I need a new outlet to let out my feelings. It's not that you guys and gals have not been there for me, but I need a fresh opinion on some things that I've been thinking about. I realized the few people I'm comfortable sharing my feelings to are Pul, Zam and maybe Ezdi and Edna. So far, I feel they have offered some good advice on some of things that I'm going through and also some unbiased opinions on my questions about life. Yes, I have this habit of asking questions about life out of nowhere. For example, we could be talking about rugby then the next thing I'll ask what you think about co-habitation, that kind of thing. It's stimulating to have these conversations as sometimes the opinions offered is so different from your own.

Currently, people in SP are calling me Hicai. I got to thank my rugby coach for this as he read my handwriting and thought Hilmi was Hicai. Maybe my handwriting is bad but doesn't Hicai sounds like some Thai name. I thought this Hicai nickname will go away but it got bad enough where my SP friends don't know me anything other than Hicai. They will actually ask who is Ahmad Hilmi until it occured to them that it's actually Hicai. So if people ask whether you know Hicai, you'll know they talking about me.

In conclusion, the stars were too high for us to reach tonight. But we'll get there someday.

You Wanted Happiness, I Gave You Pain And Misery

2006-09-14T18:31:00.000+08:00

Well I didn't do as badly as I thought. I even managed a distinction for a module which means I'm in the top 5% in that module. But it isn't enough for me. I'll be striving for a GPA of at least 3.5 next semester. This semester had let me gauge my studying abilities and let me know what I need to do to improve in my studies.

I have set 3 goals for myself in my time in Singapore Polytechnic. One, to pass my course with a cumulative GPA of at least 3.5 which means I need to get an average of at least a B+ for all my modules. The second is to make it in the Singapore Polytechnic Rugby first team. It will not be easy with the number of talented and experienced players in the team. Currently, the first team is filled with national team trainees or ex-national team trainees. It'll be hard but I know if I make it, it'll be a great accomplishment for me as rugby is one of the few things I think I'm good at and to make the team would confirmed that I'm good in this. The third goal is,well I think my close friends would know what it is so I shall not elaborate till I accomplish it.

It's been a tiring week but a good one spent with friends. I'm looking forward to watch the Div 2 Bowl Semi-Final featuring Bucks Rugby and Police SA tomorrow. I'll be going after rugby training and it'll be at Yio Chu Kang stadium at 7.30 pm. So if you're interested, come on down. This Saturday, I'll be busy with my baby nephew's hair cutting ceremony. It's gonna be a grand affair as it's my uncle and auntie's first grandson. It'll even be held at the void deck. Have a good weekend ahead people.

When You Have Friends You Can't Trust, It's Better To Be With Your Enemies

2006-09-12T16:32:00.000+08:00

People will never stay the same. That's the only certain thing about the future. I remembered when I was young, I used to be a quiet and small boy. Basically it means I was bullied when I went for my religious classed by these 2 boys who were 2 years older than me. They would taunt me and I will just ignored them. The worst part was when they ambushed me when I was in Primary 4. I was going home and took the lift to the 6th level. On the 4th level, they sprang up from nowhere,held me and shoot a toy gun in my head. It was a traumatic experience but they were duly punished.

When I was in Secondary 3,there was this guy called Dhruv who sat beside my friend, Pul. Me and Nizam, another friend of mine, sat behind them. I don't know how it start but Nizam, Pul and I start disturbing him. Nizam and I would poke our pens at his back and Pul would dig his nose and put the shit at Dhruv. The climax was putting one of his textbook on the floor and asked everyone to step on it. Everyone did and one of the pages tore. The next day, our dear and pretty form teacher had a talk with me and Pul about bullying.

It's ironic that sometimes I feel I don't want certain activities or people to change when I also have changed. I have done some things I'm not proud of but isn't that life? To make mistakes and learn from them. How much do we know someone until we stop for a while and make the effort to? The worst part is that the person you knew yesterday may change the next time you meet. The question is can friendship accept the changes? The answer is...

With You By My Side, We Shall Conquer The Universe Without Fear Or Hesitation

2006-09-09T10:54:00.000+08:00

I found some photos of the time when I was an MP Spec 2 trainee. The time spend as a trainee was definitely one of the best period in my life.

Ready For War

Having a talk with our company officer.

Our completed Machine Gunner Pit

My section commander briefing us on the mission

Our last runRelaxing at our Mowbray Lounge
Performing a Chinese Song for Happy Hour

Rashid And Me. The guy who was posted to DB with me. Without him, NS would not be as much fun.

Inspecting the food.

I missed these guys. We may be one of the smallest batch but we had the best camadrie.

Thanks for the memories. The temporary isolation made me realized what I want in life and for my future. When the sun rises again, I'll be there with you, my friend. Will you be there for me too?

Shouting And Screaming But No One Seems To Be Listening

2006-09-07T16:09:00.000+08:00

I'll be waiting for your reply.
Till then, I'll be out of contact.

Number 8

2006-09-04T19:47:00.000+08:00

Packs down at the back of the scrum, between the two locks.Responsible for the crucial role of providing the scrum-half with good ball from the base of the scrum or launching attacks from the same position. Often more physically imposing than his back row colleagues, he is a ball winner at the tail of the lineout and a ball carrier in loose play. One of the cool positons in the team as he's always in the middle of all the plays. I could play this position but prefer my flanker position to this. I don't have good game awareness to really excell in this position.

Guess who pasted her picture on my room's calender.

My sister never fail to surprise me with her actions. Ok lah, she's not totally to blame. My mom did ask her to paste a picture to cover the dog's picture on the calender for religious reasons. But of all pictures, she chose that. Well, at least it's not the picture of her in my uniform. That still bring a smile to me when I think about it.

Do I? by Plain Sunset

Do you miss me?
Do you think about me?
Do I make you cry everytime you think of me?
I love you
I still think about you
You still make me cry everytime I think of you

Openside Flanker

2006-09-03T14:17:00.000+08:00

The flanker who binds onto the side of a scrum furthest from a touchline.A ball winner whose role is to disrupt the opposition's backs.Usually the quickest of the forwards, he often provides an extra man for his own backs in an attacking move.Thrives on battering fly-halves and centres. Another of my favourite positions. Competition in SP is tough for this position. Well it's better to have lots of talented reserves than no reserves. Reminds me of last time when I was in JJC and there was absolutely no one to sub me. And the coach will always say "Ok Ahmad, later I'll sub you.".Yeah rite.

It's the holidays and there's absolutely nothing to do. Last Friday was spent watching my school captain playing for his club, Bucks. Another reason is that si Tukang Jual Minyak a.ka. Rain wants to join the club and wants to see them in action. I'm thinking of joining a club too, maybe SRC but it'll be after the POLITE games are over. And yes, we do have to be polite during the games. According to the coach, no flower language in the games is allowed like "Rose you ah!" or "You go and tulip ah". Why SRC? Well, I used to play for them. I even got this Hawaiian shirt they give me. Their facilities such as the hot and cold pool and swimming pools is also a major plus. The clubhouse is also easy to get to as City Hall Mrt Station is nearby.

There was this segment in the sports camp where one of the trainer talked about the different kinds of training a rugby player should do throughout the year. Since it'll be too late to do the pre-season training, I'm starting straight into the season training. I want to be at least match fit and also improve in my skills because this year's team has really a lot of talented players. It'll be a challenge to break into the first team but my aim this year is to at least make it into the first 30 who'll be registered in the POLITE games. It'll be hard, but determination is my middle name.

your beautiful eyes is killing me softly
your faith gives me strength to believe
and when all else fails between us
we'll just gonna start anew again

Blindside Flanker

2006-08-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

The flanker who binds onto the scrum on whichever side is closest to a touchline.Primarily concerned with winning the ball in loose play and supporting the jumpers in the lineout.Prides himself on his ability to execute the sort of tackles that make spectators wince. Finally, one of my favourite positions. I would get into this crazy mindset of just tackling and chasing my opponents when I'm playing this. The best part, this position is usually feared by opponents due to the type of tackles made by me.

I just got back from sports camp. It was good to see the rugby guys. I didn't realize how much I missed them. The activities were quite boring consisting of mostly lectures and doing practical work based on the lectures. But nothing's boring when the rugby guys are around. Lectures were filled with Bingo games and Hangman games. The meals were not that great. Every meal was variations of chicken ,vegetables and rice. Nights were spent smoking, playing cards, telling ghost stories and watching High School Musical. The scariest part was meeting the security guard with his dog. They would come up to you very quietly so by the time you saw them, they would be only a few metres away. It's quite a scary sight seeing them in the dark. Being the big and strong guys we are, we ran away.

The finale was the tree top walk at McRitchie Resevoir. It was suppose to be a competition but at least half of the groups got lost. The interesting part was all of them got someone who had served NS before. We blamed it on the non-standard maps. In the end, despite the boring activities, it was still a great camp for me.

I think I did something very stupid last week. I didn't know you can still send messages to someone who is offline in MSN Messenger. So yeah yeah yeah.

Second Row

2006-08-25T10:41:00.000+08:00

Invariably the tallest men in the team.It is their job to win the ball in the lineout and provide the main impetus to the scrum.Due to their height, weight and increased athleticism, locks now perform a vital role in loose play. Australia even have one that kicks goals. One of the positions that I can play too. I don't like to stick my head between 2 men and put my hands near their genitals but someone got to do it.Heh.

23 by Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
Im still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live
Not stopping

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
Ill be 23
I wont always love what I'll never have
I wont always live in my regret

Youll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

One of the songs I'm currently listening to. The chorus makes me think, what am I hoping for? Chemistry, love at first sight or those other love cliches that most people like to dream of. Pul said some honest things about what he thought of my approach to love. It does make me reflect on myself and what I have done over my 21 years. It will come but I got to make the effort to find it.

Plain Sunset tonight. Let's rock Esplanade people. It's weird but it's getting harder to talk to you. We building walls among ourselves but to protect what? And when the walls break down, are we ready to face the truth about ourselves? And I thought I'll give this relationship one more chance, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. The good thing is it made me realized what I want in life.

Exams over. I think I can get some As but definitely not for electronics. Maybe I should put in more effort next semester. I'm aiming for straight As. Mission Impossible? Maybe, but it'll be cool if I made the Dean's list. Now that'll be interesting. Till the next post, I'll be on a journey of self discovery and maybe new relationships.

Loosehead Prop

2006-08-22T17:41:00.000+08:00

Usually the stockiest member of the team, whose head typically joins his shoulders without recourse to a neck. His job is to support the hooker in the scrums and the jumpers in the lineout. Thrives on physically intimidating his opposite number.

The picture above is the fine I got from the NEA after my thermodynamics paper just now. There I was, happy cause I thought I have done well for the paper. Of course, celebrations calls for a stick of cigarette. The thing is I already noticed them as they were the only people there standing around and looking suspicious. First, they were not smoking. Secondly, they look too old to be students. So I threw my cigarette butt properly. What shocked me was getting caught for spitting when I didn't even spit. I tried to argue but the officer seemed convinced that he saw me spit. $150 gone just like that. I'm gonna appeal and if the appeal fail, of course must pay the fine ah.

I need to find work for the coming holidays. So if you got any lobang for part time job or what, don't forget to contact me.

My current dream girl, Vanessa Anne Hudgens. I saw her when she was acting in the High School Musical on Disney Channel. The only time I didn't regret watching Disney Channel with my siblings. Cute siaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!!

Hooker

2006-08-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

Similar build to the prop, but usually more mobile with superior handling skills.
A hooker's role is to throw the ball into the lineout and win the ball when it is fed into the scrum by hooking it back with his foot - hence the name.

If you notice, I decided to include a brief description of the position that's in my title. This is so you know a bit more about rugby and would not think that I'm talking about prostitutes when I'm talking about hookers. Credits to this website for providing the descriptions.

But I digress. I'm beginning to like bowling nowadays especially since I've improved and have been getting 90s as compared to less than 50 when I first started playing. I usually play at Marina with the usual suspects but recently have begun playing at Chevrons which I think is better as it is nearer to my home and the facilities is better. But despite that, I like the table soccer games or Daytona at Marina Arcade after the bowling. My next aim is to break the 100 barrier and I got to give credit to Jid for providing some useful tips to improve my game.

I'll be busy this week studying for exams next week and maybe there'll be a class BBQ at East Coast after the exams. Have a good week ahead people.

Tighthead Prop

2006-08-12T12:03:00.000+08:00

Surrender by Matchbook Romance

And these are my sins
These are my regrets
I want to trade them in for some truth
And just let it go, let it go
Let it go, let it go (x2)

Don't waste your breath
Save your tears for somebody who believes
I can't help myself, let alone you
I give up, I give up

And these are my dreams
These are my beliefs
I wanna trade them in for something real
And just let it go, let it go
Let it go, let it go (x2)

Don't waste your breath
Save your tears for somebody who believes
I can't help myself, let alone you
I'm tired of making love to a memory
I give up

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Matchbook Romance songs. Their new songs are so different from their previous songs, more high tempo. This song, Surrender, is what I felt for someone once and it wasn't the best of feelings. But in the end, it worked out fine for me until recently. I need some time to evaluate this situation.

Put it simply, it'll be hard to trust you again. Once was enough but twice. Come on, I'm not as naive as last time. If you are here to stay, I'll be more than happy to accomodate you. But if you choose to play hide and seek with me about your feelings and thoughts, well you can fuck off. By the way, if you feel this is about you, ask me first. I'll give you a straight answer. I'm tired of all these assumptions.

Just Push Play

2006-08-07T08:54:00.000+08:00

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

How am I feeling today?
Do I? by Plainsunset

How do my friends see me?
Stranger By The Day by Shades Apart ( I got to admit I do feel a bit strange nowadays about my friends)

Where will I get married?
Benci Bilang Cinta by Radja ( Damn, I hope my girlfriend don't do this to me)

What is my best friend's theme song?
Cute Without The E by Taking Back Sunday ( Somehow this reminds me of Hisham)

What is the story of my life?
Lovers & Liars by Matchbook Romance ( I hope it's only for now)

What was secondary school like?
This Ride by The Starting Line ( One hell of a ride)

How can I get ahead in life?
Buried Myself Alive by The Used ( I don't ever want to this to get ahead)

What is the best thing about me?
Quiet Time by Plainsunset ( yeap, i'm very good when I'm quiet)

What is today going to be like?
Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

What is in store for this weekend?
There's No "I" In Team by Taking Back Sunday (another answer i just got to laugh at)

What song describes my parent(s)?
Ku Katakan Dengan Indah by Peterpan

To describe my grandparents?
You and Me by Lifehouse

How is my life going?
All The Rage by Funeral For A Friend ( not that much rage)

How does the world see me?
Juneau By Funeral For A Friend

Will I have a happy life?
Mimpi Yang Sempurna by Peterpan ( i love this answer)

What do my friends really think of me?
Stare At The Sun by Thrice (does this mean i'm painful to look at)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Everything Is Alright by Motion City Soundtrack

How can I make myself happy?
Hospitality by Funeral For A Friend

Will i ever have children?
Fiction by Matchbook Romance ( okay...me having children is definitely non-fiction)

A fun quiz to do when you're bored. Though you will feel some answer fits you, my advice is this is just randomness coming from your music player so don't take it too seriously. Good Day.

Rasa Sayang

2006-08-01T18:52:00.000+08:00

Some pictures from the Johore trip.

Waiting for the room keys at the lobby.

On the way to the roadside stalls for dinner.

Group photo while waiting for the traffic light.

On the way to Universiti Teknologi Malaysia for our rugby match.

Interacting with the Malaysians before the game.

Doing some lineout practice before the game.

Presenting the SP Rugby Team.

After a hard day of rugby, it was time for some recreational activities.
The aftermath of that wild night.

For what it's worth, these pictures just shows only a small portion of what was really going on that trip. As it is always written on postcards, wish you could be here.

Love Letters To You

2006-07-27T18:23:00.000+08:00

And on the street of so many possibilities, I chose the one I hated most.

The trip to Johore was something not easily forgotten. The late night chats, smoking non-stop and the dinners at the road side stalls. Of course not forgetting the 2 nights of total mayhem and chaos. The races along the hallway, eating peanut shells and dancing till I really drop not once but twice. The best thing is that I know there will be more to come and I would have to contend with these memories for now. To me the most memorable was the mornings seeing the cute receptionist Haslinda at her desk and playing my best as a flanker during the game against Universiti Teknologi Malaysia.

And of course this got to happen.

Nasty. That's 9 stitches on my friend Rain's head. He got it while tackling someone. It seems there are a lot of stitching going around nowadays.

It's not the cost but the quality of the companionship. How those words still haunt me now. Till then, I'll be concentrating on my studies. Exams coming up in a month time and it seems there never enough time to prepare for it with projects and presentations coming in my way too.

was hiding in my shell till you come in and pull me out...wanted not to care but caring seems to be a mistake right now...and when we meet it'll be just an act again...not the first time but definitely not the last...and it's eating me on the inside and i could only smile on the outside... but if me getting blamed for everything would make everything right...BLAME ME...at least that'll be the truth...

Start Of Something New

2006-07-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

Fall in love this afternoon with Elizabeth Swann. For those not in the know, she's a character in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean triology. To me, she was such a strong character in the films. She can shoot, fight and yet could still be feminine when she needs to be. Now if only I can find such a person in Singapore.

Don't you just love her...haiz...

We are the champions, my friend. We won the National Under 20s tournament. We were the first local poly to win this tournament. Of course I was only at the sidelines as an assistant manager since I'm overaged. I'm looking forward to this next 2 weekends. We may be having a rugby chalet this weekend and we going Johore next week. I hope the chalet doesn't clash with the Plainsunset's performance this Saturday. Finally after 2 years, they are back for baybeats this year. Looking forward to see Lovemebutch's performance on Friday too. Have a good weekend peeps.

Here comes the ghetto boys.

The Champions.

Hicai

2006-06-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in this open space and wondering whether you are looking at these stars that I'm staring at tonight and wondering when we are going to look at them together.

I rarely make lists but this post shall hold on its own till a period where I'll be less busy.

Events coming up:

1) Rugby under 20s semi-finals and finals on the 1st and 8th of July respectively. I'm the assistant manager of SP for this competition as I'm over aged.
2) My cousin's getting married on the 8th of July. She is same age as me seh. I hope no one will ask when I will get married.
3) Rugby trip to Johore on the 21st to 23rd July. Two words, Yes lah.

Things to save up for:

1) iPod as my sister is tired of lending her zen to me especially since I refuse to share the cost)
2) cool boardshorts as I think I'll be spending more time at Sentosa and don't worry, I'll not be half naked.
3) a new bag as the current sling bag is too small for all my rugby gear.
4) Johore trip on 21st to 23rd July with the SP ruggers. A group of rugby guys without any adult guidance in a foreign land. I think we will be visiting the local zoo... or not ah.
5) diving course. I'm gonna sign up for this with one of my classmates soon after my classmate told us stories of his diving experiences. Kinda cool or shall I say kinda wet..hehe..

I'm happy now and yet sad. It's sad to be alone. happy to have new friends. sad that we are this way. happy to be doing new fun things with new people. sad that people would not probably care. happy that we are talking again because u the most honest guy i know when you are serious and the one i love to hate when u are not.

some pics as i realize pics on blogs are interesting sial...and these pics are courtesy of rain

these are the mat reps or better known as the ghetto boys

rain, me and dan wukong...sorry that u had to see me half naked

rain and me on the cable car...$2 only sial... pardon the crazy eyes...

Assume make an ass out of me and u.

Seiring Dan Sejalan

2006-06-19T19:12:00.000+08:00

Finally it's over. It was nice to be financially independent for the past 2 years but I guess good things have to end. Now that I'm schooling , I have to depend on my parents for money again. The financial reserves have run out but I deserved it for spending it all away. The thing is I'm enjoying this period of financial limitations. In fact, I'm saving more of my money and the savings will be useful in this period of birthdays. Main thanks have to go to the matreps from my rugby team. They really know how to have fun and the best part, we don't spend much on each outing. I guess it's true, it's the company not the cost.

How did you ever guess? Realize the fact that it doesn't make a difference whether I'm there or not. Realize the fact that I wish I could be as sad and happy as them. Realize the fact that I'll be okay and carry on with your lives. Realize the fact we got more important things to do than us.The questions is no more how and why it happen but what can we do to solve it. And I told you I don't want the others to know that I know but I guess you forget. It's not that I don't care but did we ever care what happened anyway?

Ships

2006-05-31T01:33:00.000+08:00

It feels weird to keep secrets among close friends.
it makes us drift apart

It feels weird to go out and not ask the others.
the others feel left out

It feels weird to take for granted some parts of our friendship.
believe me, it's not on purpose

It feels weird not to be able to treat you like I treat the others.
it's not you, it's me but i'm trying so hard to see things your way

It feels weird to feel wanting to walk away from this ship and never look back
but everytime i did, they gave me a reason to stay

In the end, our bonds will either grow stronger or just rust away.
Forgive me if I ever did anything wrong. Sometimes I just need reminders that I'm not perfect. I really want this to last because I never feel needed until you guys come along.

p/s: naz jid zam pul isk mad sham (my mom calls us the 7 dwarves , pul is "mat indo", naz is "oh yang gelap tu eh", isk is "si sihat", jid is "yang bawak motor", zam is "yang muka macam cina" and sham is "yang pakai tasbih"

Home Alone

2006-05-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

Thanks for being there. Without you, these thoughts will never be revealed and these actions never fully justified. I think you know but I guess we rather enjoy the company of unspoken words and hidden meanings than to walk away and pretend we do not care. Honesty hurts when it's the truth.

It's rather dissapointing when you are the person people turn to when there's no one else to turn to. If not for our long friendship, I would rather pretend to be uncontactable than to go out with you. Now that I think about it, it's stupid of me to do what I did then. I just want you to know I will not always be there to catch you when you fall but when I do, I wish that you would have said Thanks. I would have appreciate it.

It really feels weird whenever we meet. I don't know why but I just be another person whenever you are there. There was never fully a closure to it and I thought it will turn out fine as we go along. I thought wrong. And by not reacting or saying anything, it's to avoid being labelled 'weird'. Maybe one day we'll talk about it but by then the damage is done. Sometimes I wish I'm treated the same as the others but that's before I realized that it would be selfish of me as I never treated you the same as I treated the others.

Would the world be a better place without me? If I were to die now, I wonder who the five people I'll meet in Heaven. Did I influence any people in these 21 years of life? Did I ever did anything wrong or right without knowing it? And maybe the question of why I'm still feeling lonely even when surrounded by friends will be finally answered.

Do I want to talk about it? Sure, but I'm not so sure I want to talk about it with you.

Driver Ahmad will not be available for a while. He has forgotten why he loves driving so much.

A Different View

2006-05-19T13:07:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

An interesting quiz in which I find most of the answers fits with what I"m feeling nowadays.

The End Of Secrets

2006-04-29T17:34:00.000+08:00

This post may or may not hurt people's feelings. If it did, I apologize. I guess you just can't handle honesty.

-edited-

Water For The Dead

2006-03-25T17:14:00.000+08:00

My father's uncle father passed away this morning. It was a sad affair as he was a good man and had helped a lot of people in his lifetime. It's evident when you see all these people who even his wife don't know coming up to her ,giving her money for the funeral. In the end, everything is left behind and those who stayed can only pray and hope that he will be given a place in Heaven. Those who stayed were left with words that they wish they said when he was alive

The last conversation I had with him while he was in the hospital was about my place in polytechnic and my driving licence. Even though he could not speak due to the tubes in his throat, he still managed a thumb up. The last visit was when we were supposed to visit Naz, and my dad's uncle was asleep and I can only see him from the window for his ward as I don't want to disturb him.

I think only at a funeral will you see how the deceased live his life. All the people cancelling the plans for the day to come and attend, trying to help out with the cost by giving money and praying for the deceased. It makes you think will it be the same for your funeral.

I'm emotionally affected by the death of this person I call Tok Haji. It seems unbelievable that he passed away as he seems to be getting better but in the end I must live with the fact that every living thing must die in the end. I'm gonna miss him.. his jokes.. his presence. The porridge that he gets from the mosque he working at, that he always give to his relatives. For now, I can only carry on with my life as I get over this period of mourning and pray for Tok Haji. And again reflect on my life.

The Trip Down South

2006-03-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

We have our moments of loneliness. Times that we need for ourselves to think, to reflect on our roles in this world. It would be easier to be persistent but I know when to draw the line. I would like to say I know how you feel but I'll be lying to you. It's harder to ignore what you doing to yourself but I think this is the best step for now. I just want you to know I'll be there to pull you up when you are ready. I'll just be a hindrance anytime before that.

I wish upon a star that you come a bit sooner... I got so much to say and ask...

What's The Story?

2006-03-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

When honesty is no longer the best policy, do we remain silent for the sake of our relationships? There are many things that I would like to say to you, I don't know how...

Sometimes I feel that I do not know enough about the people around me. Not that I don't want to but I never have been good at being a friend, even with people I care about. It's something I'm trying to improve along the way. Wanting to know everything but no one's answering...

You Analyze Me

2006-02-22T18:37:00.000+08:00

I got this from Edna's and thought this a good chance to learn what are people's thoughts on me. So click this and start doing it. And I assume all of you will be honest at this as we are honest people.

Finally tomorrow is the Oasis concert. So don't look back in anger, my wonder wall cause there is a champagne supernova tomorrow

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

2006-02-14T17:40:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to find out who this band was and I finally did it. I feel this song suits my life now.

Who I am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Hope

2006-02-14T15:59:00.000+08:00

It's been an interesting two weeks. Needing to spend more time in camp because of other people's decision and trying to do what's right at least till I finally leave this part of my life. It's not that I hate it, in fact I think I'll miss it, but it does gets to you if you are at a place too long. Just like people.

Sometimes when you know someone for a long time, there are some things that you just naturally assume about him. That is until both of you bared your thoughts to each other and realize how wrong you could be. He was everything opposite to the person you thought he was. I rarely did bared my heart and soul to anyone. I always managed to control myself even though there were some moments I lost control and it scares me what I would do if I completely lost control.

As the deadline for my decision for the future draws near, there were instances where I seriously lost my self confidence. The last week was spent lying awake at night thinking whether what I'm doing is right or wrong. It reached a point where there was one night I need to speak to someone, anyone, to calm me down before I lose myself. It took all my willpower to just to sleep but strangely the next morning the feeling is gone. The last few days, I am finally convinced to stay on this path.

Where it will lead? I do not know but what I know I will do to the best of my abilities. I'm tired of hurting the people I cared about with my laid back attitude to life. I never want to see them dissapointed again.

In Your Eyes

2006-01-31T10:40:00.000+08:00

While I was stuck in camp for three days, people have been having fun outside without me. It's been a tiring three days but it was kinda fun to be in a section full of Malays and Indians. There's so much to tell but I shall not. As they say, what happens on duty, stays in the duty. But what I do know, I missed my family and friends a lot during that time. It's strange but being in camp gave me some funny insight on people I know. And gives me some new perspectives on people I care about.

My dad is back and he bought a lot of stuff from there and the duty-free. He looks strange to me with his new bald haircut. But at least he is safe back home and that's all I care about.

I wonder how's everyone doing so don't be shy to give me updates on your life. I may be busy over the next few weeks but not that busy to learn what you all been up to while I've been busy. Heh.

Smokefreemad

2006-01-27T22:17:00.000+08:00

My mom and little brother is down with fever these past few days. It's hard for me to justify going out to have fun when the family's not feeling well. If there was no work to be done at camp, I would apply for leave at least until they are feeling better. Luckily the rest of the family are not yet affected. Imagine me cooking, cleaning up after them and giving them their medicine. It's kinda scary but I guess someone's has to do it. According to the last phonecall with Dad, even he is sick. I think it's the weather there ah.

Oh well, this just mean I'll be more domesticated than usual. I'm totally excited about the Oasis concert. Hopefully they will not cancel it like last time. All my efforts reading Oasis lyrics would go down the drain.

Sometimes it's nice to talk someone from your past, especially when you have not meet the person for a long time.

Checking E-Mail

2006-01-11T23:00:00.000+08:00

I'm working on some personal goals currently so forgive me if I'm seem distracted nowadays. Hopefully after all this, I'll become a better person and more prepared to face this challenge called adulthood. It doesn't mean I shall stop all of my usual nonsense, it's just that I'm trying to tone down a bit. I'll just see how it goes...

Till then, I'm still waiting.

Between Black & White

2006-01-01T11:46:00.000+08:00

While other people were watching fireworks and partying the night away, I was at West Coast Park with two of my best friends. 9 years ago I never thought a Malay who looked like a Chinese and a short person with really funky hair would be part of my close circle of friends and that we still be together after all these years. The friendship we had was never perfect but things can't always be perfect. Sometimes I just had to let somethings go.

Yesterday night, over cards, peanuts & cigarettes, Pul , Zam & I had to answer some really tough questions about ourselves. It was a night for honesty and friendship, of lost hope and dreams, love lost and gained and situations that if given a chance, we'll handle it in a different way. It was a great yet simple way to usher in the new year. I wish you could have been there with us. Yes, you...

Kong King

2005-12-24T00:35:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been going out intensely with my camp mates and I feel that I've not been out with the guys much. There's nothing wrong with the guys. It's just that through these outings with my camp mates, I've been experiencing a kind of friendship that is different from the guys. A relationship that I surprisingly felt that's better that the relationship I have with the guys. Frankly, I never thought it could happened.

For now, I'm feeling irritated by some things beyond my control and by my bad habits. I need someone to guide me away from these thoughts cause I'm not strong enough to do it alone.

Kedinginan Malam

2005-12-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

After last night, I was thinking that after all these years we are still the same and I wonder whether it's a gift or a curse for us to be this way. Sometimes it's sad that we can't be honest with each other and I tried to pretend that it will turn out all right in the end. But it seldom did.

Our past finally catch up with us, exposing all our weaknesses and leaving us bare. It came down to one factor. GSF...

Maybe it's the night that's making me moody, but it's been a while since I felt like this.

Promise

2005-11-28T16:39:00.000+08:00

The feeling of being alone and not believing that you are in the wrong.

I was reading Isk's and Pul's blogs and it seemed that they've been up to some serious talk. I agreed that sometimes due to us being a large group, the group refering to Naz, Zam, Sham, Isk, Jid and Pul, it's hard for us to have serious conversations sometimes. I feel that for me it's easier to open up to a smaller group as I feel there's a smaller chance of being ridiculed as compared to when all of us are together. Through these years of friendship, I learnt that you can only tell certain things to certain friends. Even then there are still a lot of things I'm holding back. I guess I haven't found someone yet to confide everything to.

I don't know who is the person Isk is talking about and I don't want to guess. I just want to say that I remembered the feeling of losing my friends' friendship once and not speaking to someone cause the rest didn't. The feelings are not the best in the world. So pardon me but I'll stay out of this matter.

I learnt that I tend not to admit my mistakes even when I'm in the wrong. I didn't realize it till my Platoon Sergeant talked to me personally about it. He really opened my eyes and by exposing my weakness so easily, this has strangely left me rejunevated. It makes me more determined to face this challenge called life.

I just cut my hair recently. It looks something like when I was in my Sergeant Course. I expect to be ridiculed but I guess it's cause it's not something I would normally do. I hope to see the guys this weekend. Somehow it feels like ages since I saw any of them especially Isk.

If you're pained by desires that you cannot say, step right up and don't hold back...but I did.

AE- 86

2005-11-22T16:18:00.000+08:00

whose heart is your hand extending to?

It's been a good weekend for me. I spent my Saturday going for range and spending some quality time with my platoon. It's rare to get most of them together as most of us would be busy with our duties. I realized that I'm going to miss them when I ORD. They offer me an outlet for me to do some stuff that I think I'll never do with the guys. An example is blasting the live concert at Wembley album of Oasis on the CD player and just singing along as though we were at the concert.

The Sunday was spent going out with the BP group to jalan raya. Before anything there were some hype over how Aini has grown thinner and the guys can't stop talking about how cute Miss Tubaroses ( this what they called her) . In the end, I enjoyed myself throughly. I tried to eat at every house even though I got a fitness test today (which I thankfully passed) . I got to leave a bit early though as Zam was looking a bit sick(he's still sick till today) and I shared a cab with him and made him messaged me when he reach home. Somehow I felt responsible about his health ever since he got into the hospital cause of his asthma as he had been drinking Slurpee from 7-11 across BPGHS daily.

Seing Apul downloading the Bleach anime, I've been busy downloading the Initial D: Fourth Stage anime and it's an excellant continuation to Initial D The Movie(which is one of my most favourite movie) . Seing the anime, I wonder when will ever summon the bravery to go for it? It's slowly corroding my self confidence.

Anyway, I want to know who's been reading my blog so leave a comment aight? Just want to have a feel on who my readers are.

Of Coffee And Cigarettes

2005-11-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

I had the weirdest of dreams last night. I dreamt I was walking down Orchard Road with Leroy and Bam Bam. Bam Bam was pointing out some girls out to me and I kept saying that they're not pretty. Then all of a sudden Bam Bam shouted at me "No wonder you no girlfriend!!!You are just too bloody choosy!!". And I wake up at that. My first thought was I really should wash my feet before sleeping next time. My second thought when I looked at my watch was that I had only one more minute till I must take over duty.

Now that I'm fully awake after sleeping since reaching home, I start wondering whether what Bam Bam said was true. Then I thought that frankly I don't give a damn.

Oh I got a riddle for you all

The one who is chasing has no legs. The one being chased cannot run. What's chasing what?

Notahmad In Matland

2005-11-06T01:58:00.000+08:00

There was so many things happening during my 4 days 3 nights stay at Malaysia that I decided to break it down into lists. So here goes and one of the things that happened is fake. Try guessing which one is fake.

Things that I feel shouldn't happened on the night before Hari Raya:

1. Discovering how to go to Zouk KL by myself ( Everyone say Pandai Abang Ahmad)

2. Driving around KL without a license and thankfully not getting caught ( I can't help it if I'm young and dangerous)

3. Found out that all this while we have been celebrating my mom's birthday on the wrong date.

4. Seeing my cousin who is married with kids trying to pick up the cashier who's like way younger than him at the 7 11 store where we were buying cigarettes and his reason is he is still young at heart.

5. Thinking about my life ( this happens everytime I'm at Malaysia and I don't know why)

Things that happened on Hari Raya

1. Too much rendang and ketupat will cause frequent trips to toilets.

2. My cousin who I think is cute told my sis I looked handsome that day. ( Why must we be cousins? Haiz...)

3. Never drive with your dad who has been driving for ages beside you. He's worse than a driving instructor.It gets worse when your mom who got 6 points for her TP test is the backseat driver.

4. Watching the movie Pontianak at my uncle's house and hear my aunt's stories of her trips to her kampung at Kluang and how it's haunted and stuff. Then your sister who heard the stories wakes you up in the middle of the night and ask her to accompany her to the toilet. Not one time but 3 times. Reason? See number 1.

5. Discovered the soft drinks at Malaysia taste funny and start wondering whether I should boil them first just to be on the safe side.

6. Discovered that the Malaysian staff at Giant wear their baju kurung to work.Seeing dad thinking this guy who was wearing baju kurung is part of the staff and start asking where the light bulbs were. He was a customer.

7. Watched 2 concerts of Siti Nurhaliza. Yeah I like Siti ( Acoustic bersama Siti and Siti at Royal Albert's Hall)

8. Finding this girl in one of the Malaysian Hari Raya commercial very cute.

9. To be asked where my wife is by some relatives and why I never bring her along. ( Do I even look married? Maybe it's the tummy)

That's all folks for tonight. Selected photos will be up soon.

Falls On Me

2005-10-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

It was a depressing week in the beginning but it turned out fine in the end. That's what driving my self forward now, everything will be alright in the end. Hopeful? Maybe. But it gives me something to look forward to when I wake up in the morning.

My family's taking a bus trip to KL this year for Hari Raya. My family's changing car and the one the agent giving us temporarily is kinda small for a trip up north. I'm looking forward to the experience of taking the bus to balik kampung. I wonder if it will be anything like those bus trips in those Malay movies?

Nizam's back from Brunei. Though I don't say it, I miss that bugger while he was away. I'm glad he's back. Eh Zam if you are reading this, let's try to stop smoking eh? If Christopher Lee can do it, why can't we? I think the guys should go play CS one of these days. It's been a long time since we done that. I miss the feeling of killing Jid easily. But we do have to put up with the ritual of Ajid asking people to pay for him. He always does this almost everytime we asked him to pay for something even now when he is earning more than us. But in the end he always pay for himself and sometimes a bit more. Heh.

I think I need to put in more effort in my friendship with Nazri. It's a bit hard to talk to him than the rest as I never was that close to him. For Ajid and Sham, I got close with them while working with them . For Isk, it was while we were doing all the stupid stuff we did while in the same class in JC. For Zam and Pul , I had known them since Sec One and I am always comfortable with the. But for Naz, ever since that misunderstanding in Sec 4 , I always felt akward with him. But it's certainly better now than before. I just felt I need to know him better as a friend.

I realized I don't have a group picture of the guys. The last time I think we took a group photo was at Naz's birthday last year before I went NS where we were sitting in a row but the photo got lost or deleted. I think I should take a group picture of them because they are an important group in my life, Naztay, Mr Direct, Solo, Big Daddy Pimpin, Beyond Cool and Underdog.

Let the good times roll

Drifting Away

2005-10-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it gets tiring when the world show it's ugly side too many times. Too tiring

I don't feel like going out with the guys this week and maybe the next except maybe celebrate Nizam's birthday if he had indeed came back. But other than that I need a time out from the guys at least for now.

Pardon me while I drift down Mt. Akina

Cheek To Cheek

2005-10-11T18:20:00.000+08:00

I guess I needed to write about this someday. To be reminded of a beautiful mistake. But I would not. It just hurts too much to be remembering that part of my life. I know now never to hold back when in love because to be rejected is better than not knowing what she feels about me.

I guess I will never know and could only move on and hope to get a second chance not to make the same mistake again.

Burning my letters to you cause its feels so right, no matter how wrong it is.
Ashes flying and wondering whether will it be ever okay?
I'm afraid to find the truth among the smoke
Just leave me dreaming in this machine alone please

Moodshot

2005-10-03T00:18:00.000+08:00

I got this from Wai Leong's online photo album.For those not in the know, this is called a mood shot.

Happy Birthday

2005-10-02T00:59:00.000+08:00

I just got back from Johor where the guys got a mini birthday celebration for me. We went to this eating place "Singgah Selalu" which I think has great food and atmosphere. We spent quite a long time there as we watched the finals of the Malaysia Cup between Selangor and Perlis. Malaysians are really into supporting their local teams unlike Singaporeans who rather watch EPL than the S League. I got a pair of bermudas from the guys which I haven't try out yet but it looks decent.

It's funny sometimes when you waited for something that you know will never happened.You will finally be dissapointed but I think hoping that something will happened is better than not caring at all.Do you care at all?

I have been having weird dreams lately and it's freaking me out.Thanks to all the people who messaged me. It's nice that people remembered your birthday when I forget theirs. Here's to being 20 and trying to act like it.

Find A Way

2005-09-25T01:01:00.000+08:00

It's been like ages since I smoked or drink ( for those little kids, I mean drinking alcoholic drinks. Remember kids, don't drink and drive. ) and believe me it has not been easy. It's all up to me now actually. My friends did try to tempt me but thankfully I managed to say no even though it was damn hard. It seems easier to just take the cigarette and smoke than say no to smoking. Even then, I admit I did sometimes forget and smoke but it was just a few puffs till I realize what I was doing. Other than that, I've been saving money since I don't buy cigarettes now and finally I feel a bit healthier than usual. At least now I can walk from my camp to Yew Tee Mrt without feeling breathless.

Is it okay to pretend that it is okay? I've been busy trying to find closure to somethings in my past. Sometimes you feel the world is against you and you are all alone, trying to survive each day as it comes. Everyday hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. So far, I feel I've began to accept some stuff that happened which I totally resent. This is weird but somehow it's therapeutic to write down my resentment on pieces of paper and then burn them and watch it burn to ashes. ( For little kids, do this under adult supervision. Your parents will be angry if you burn down the house.).

I'll end this post with a very serious question and I wish that you reflect on this question.

WHAT'S SMELLIER THAN A SMELLY CAT?

Don't Look Back In Anger

2005-09-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

I heard your footsteps.You were following me from behind.I was supposed to stop but I carried on walking. You asked me to stop, wanting to talk to me. I just looked behind and left you there, knowing in my heart it would not be the last time I left you behind or you leaving me behind.

It's never the last time...

This website is cool. It creates anagram for your names like for example my name "Ahmad Hilmi Bin Mohd Omar" became

'Ha Ha! I'm morbid him old man.'

Check it out http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

Lefto Righto

2005-09-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

Death sure aint a nice thing to happen to anyone.It just lead to broken hearts, unfufilled promises and a whole lot of crying.You leave everything behind when you die.Your dreams, your loved ones and everything you own. The words that you want to say will never get to be told ever.They may leave without warning but they always will be remembered.

When I die, I hope no one cries at the funeral.Life's too short to be sad.

This post is for those people who seem to have left this earth too early.

At The Corner Of The Room

2005-09-07T16:38:00.000+08:00

I thought you are suppose to feel healthier and better if you stop smoking.Then why am I feeling fucked up? I got this runny nose and my chest hurts everytime I cough.Maybe it's cause I smoked a bit last weekend.Now I shall try to beat Jid's challenge of not smoking for one month. It may appear I'm doing this for Jid but in the end I'm doing this for myself.

I think my camp is cursed or something.When I first came, my senior looked at me seriously and asked "Do you have a girlfriend?". Of course, I said no and he looked at me with relief and said "Oh then you shouldn't have a break up then." This sounded freaking weird to me at that time and he explained to me that usually that those with girlfriends will surely break up with them within a year when they came here.The latest victims were Rashid and a new guy who just came to the camp like 3 weeks.

It's not I don't want to go but sometimes it gets a bit too much.

So Small A World

2005-09-03T10:02:00.000+08:00

You know what's worse than trying to stop smoking and drinking. It's when you have camp mates who do not understand why you trying stop and try to tempt you to start drinking and smoking again.Imagine my surprise when I open my cupboard two days ago and there it was a box of ciggarettes with a message on it.The message was in Malay, " Hisaplah sebelum anda dihisapkan" which roughly translated to "Smoke or be smoked".Rashid was laughing when I showed it to him and with some reluctance I gave it to him. He then happily said " I know you not going to start smoking again.Hahhahaha.Yeah I don't need to buy ciggies."Damn fucker

Oh well, it's never easy to kick a habit. But I'll try to the best of my ability.Hopefully it's enough.

Bad Boys

2005-08-30T21:05:00.000+08:00

My camp mate, Rashid, was telling me this story about this girl who was his girlfriend's friend who wanted to become bad.Bad as in being someone who smokes and drinks basically and do all those wild stuff.In my opinion, if someone who drinks or smokes is not bad. They are just misunderstood but my opinions is not the issue here. Anyway Rashid ran out of ciggies so he asked the girl for a stick.But the girl had only one stick of ciggarette so Rashid suggest that they "steng" it.

For those of you who do not know the Malay language, "steng" is a short for for "setengah" which basically means half.But for smokers it means to share the cigarrette.But this girl did not know so to Rashid's horror, the girl go break the ciggie into two.The following conversation ensues:

Rashid: Why the hell did you break the cigarrettes in two?

Girl: I thought you want to "steng" it.

Rashid: Ya lah. It means to share the cigarrette you %#%$$#@%%$#@ girl.

Poor Rashid. To face a stupid minah all by himself and he can't scold the girl cause she's his girlfriend's friend.

This story is for all those wannabe bad boys and girls.

Mr Daniels Meets Mr Phillips

2005-08-28T00:34:00.000+08:00

It sounds easy on the brochure.Just go cold turkey.It's the fastest and most effective way. Yeah,only it forget to mention the part about the coughs and running nose in the morning. Actually it's not as bad as last time when I tried to stop.But this just the beginning so it could get worse.Hopefully I'll manage to stop for more than a month.It would make my mom a happy woman.She don't exactly support me using my money buying stuff that harm myself.

And while I'm on a roll on quitting all these "bad" stuff, I shall stop drinking alcoholic drinks too.It's scary that I reached the stage where I was almost become alcoholic and so far it's been okay.At least I'm not waking up and start thinking about the bottle of JD in my cupboard in camp. Last I heard, they took that bottle out and had a mini happy hour on the roof.When I asked, they said they heard that I'm quitting smoking and drinking so they took the initiative to finish up the bottle to prevent me from being tempted from drinking it.Damn fuckers. But it works ah. If not I'll keep using my green mug to mix the JD and Pepsi.Rocking combination I tell ya.

Well it was fun getting wasted but it was taking too much out of me. Here's to me being sober and smoke-free.Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Untitled

2005-08-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

It's time like this I feel like buying a pack of cigarettes and smoking it away as I try to think my life through. It is tiring to laugh all the time and try to pretend that it will all work out. In the end I am only left with the bitter taste of disapointment again. This sounds like me whining but I'm just trying to get rid of this stuff from my back.

Nine more months to ORD. A date that I've been waiting for a fucking long time. It's nice to be working with people of different background. But so far I cannot stand working with those Chinese who are highly-educated and rich or think that they are richer than a son of a barber. They think they are always right and always try to avoid work. I don't exactly love National Service but my thinking is since I'm already in NS, why not have some fun along the way? These Chinese guys think differently. They try to avoid duty by reporting sick and only cause other people to do their duties for them.Is this a preview of working life in the future?

find a way

Sometimes I wish I could meet some people from my past again. The girl from my kindergarden, my primary school Malay teacher, people who have in their own ways steered me in this journey of life.People who I am extremely comfortable to talk to as they respect me for who I am and not what I sometimes try to pretend to be. People who do not laugh at you but with you. Real friends. People that are extremely hard to find again.

I wanted to write an e-mail to you.I wrote a draft on a piece of paper. Instead of sending it to you, I burned the paper away and watch as the ashes blew in the wind. It's too late to change things anyway.

Sorry for sounding so serious this time but I'm just tired of being me tonight.

Green Bananas

2005-08-21T20:17:00.000+08:00

Rest In Peace Girl...

It's nice to see your relatives after like 1 year of not seeing them except in pictures and videos.I was at Malaysia for my cousin's wedding and that means I'm the fourth in line to get married.That's scary but anyway I finally get to see my cousins' new children and my cousins were thinking of what they want the children to call me and finally settled on Obek Hilmi.Damn, I feel old.

Anyway I think weddings are cool as you can get to see your cousin's other side of the family.Especially the female side.And the best thing is you can go all out without feeling guilty as you are leaving for Singapore in a few days.The not so good thing is they look older with their tudung on.Imagine my horror when I asked this girl who I thought was 19 and found out that she was only 16.Blistering Sea Crabs.

But it was nice to be in a different environment.It makes you think of your life in a different view.I got wasted the other day and it was very scary to think that I was drunk for like 3 days in a row.I'm trying to quit smoking and drinking before it's too late.It just gets too expensive and having someone tell you things you've done that you can't recall the next day to be too freaky.

Highway Blues

2005-08-17T20:41:00.000+08:00

I'm finding myself not knowing the words to write down my feelings.I've been busy thinking about some stuff from the past.But whenever I try to write it down, it's difficult.It's like there's a force stopping you,trying to convince you that the situation will not be like this in the future.

But when? And I'm going KL this weekend so I'll be not seeing you guys again.Finally a change of environment.It'll be nice to see what the Malaysians are up to these days.